Pain. Loss. Hurt. Sadness.
Everybody fights a battle you know nothing about. The grass can seem greener on the other side of the fence. It isn’t greener, it’s just different. Take me for example, a lot of people say to me that my life looks awesome and they wish they had my life. Not so fast! It’s easy to see what someone has, but you don’t know what they’ve lost. I’ll fill you in…
I grew up in Herndon, Virginia. My Father got a job at Oregon State University and when I was in 11th grade I joined him out there. While excited about going to live with my Dad, I was also nervous and very scared. I moved 3,000 miles (4,828km) away from my home, all my friends, my Mother and my baby Brother who had just been born 7 months earlier. I was sad about leaving my Mom. I wondered if she would be okay and my Brother was so little but I can’t even lie, I was happy to not have to change his diapers anymore lol.
Oregon was scary and yes I called it “Orygun” haha. It was a strange new place and every radio station was playing country music and rap and hip hop was NOT a thing! Don’t even get me started on “go-go” lol, they DEFINITELY didn’t know what that was. It’s a DM(V) thing. “DC, Maryland, Virginia (Northern Virginia)”. Wherever you’re from is where the () goes. (D)MV or D(M)V. Anyways! I was all alone. My Dad was busy with his job at the University and I was a teenager in a small town that had no mall, no place for kids to hang, and no black people! I would think about my friends in Virginia and wonder what cool experiences they were having that I was missing out on. School dances, prom, driving etc. I graduated high school with people I didn't even know. I would never again live in Virginia and I wouldn’t see my friends in person for almost 15 years.
I have done five years in prison. In those five years I missed out on all sorts of stuff. We were just going to the bars one day and what seemed like the next day for me, all of sudden everyone was paired off and getting married and having kids and getting their Masters and Doctorates. I felt frozen at age 22 while everybody else grew up. Women who didn’t have any kids when I left suddenly had three kids when I came back! I missed out on a lot. I didn’t finish my degree. I was alone. I had no friends. It seemed like everyone had these lives together that I missed out on. All the while struggling to regain a life, MY life. Grown man with no job, no car, no license, on parole, fresh out of prison, doing drugs… yeah that guy is a LOSER! That guy was me. I didn’t even have a BIKE! Pitiful.
I’ve had three, 1 2 3 babies die on me. Three different women throughout my life, the last of which was the love of my life and I failed her so spectacularly by allowing that death to make me relapse. To this day I think about it and carry heavy regret over the fact that when the woman I loved, and was having my baby, needed me the most I let her down. Not only was I unable to be there for her, I couldn’t even be there for myself. I lost the baby. I lost the girl. I lost the job. I lost everything. I almost lost my life.
This current path I’m on… is a lonely one. I’ve been in 18 countries in the past 18 months. On one hand, that is AWESOME! I heart travel, but really think about it. Most people cannot do that, therefore, all of my traveling has been alone. I don’t come from a family of travelers so I couldn’t ask my parents what to expect or how to travel or for any tips. I had decided that I was going to move to Norway. I had never even been to Europe before! I didn’t even really know anyone who ever had either! Most people, Americans really, are not down to just up and move to another country. It’s a lot to ask of anyone. I’ve lost relationships because of it.
Chasing dreams is lonely. It’s supposed to be. It’s YOUR dream, not someone else’s. Nobody is gonna be as passionate about it as you and you shouldn’t expect them to be. Nobody will understand your drive and desire and sometimes you won’t either. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt leaving people behind. Everything from the old can’t be in the new. Ma Dukes always told me “Everybody that came with you can’t go with you”. Now, I understand what that means but I never liked it. Cause I do want everybody to come with me! If in my head I believe I’m going off to cool, new, amazing places then what kind of person would I be if I didn’t want you to come with me!? Your path is your own however. You’re gonna feel pain. What happens when you’re in love with someone and you realize your paths are going two different directions?? It’s sad to think, to KNOW, that everything you’ve been doing is for a dream of yours and, to keep someone you love, you’ll have to give it up.
I have cried and cried and cried. Why can’t I be normal? Why am I so driven to do the things I’m doing? To go the places I’m going? To see the things I’m seeing? Where did it come from? It has evolved into such a fantastic life with so many adventures ahead but why? Why did this life choose me? I can’t get a girlfriend… cause I’m everywhere and I’m nowhere. People I love leave me or I leave them. I feel greatness ahead but I have sacrificed everything. Stability? What’s that? I don’t have a normal life anymore and a lot of the time I don’t even know what I’m doing! I swear I’m winging it haha. This country, that country, sure let’s go here! Google and Google translate save me. Try not to get scammed, kidnapped, or murdered. Learn the new country, how to apply for a visa, get a job, learn the language, be alone, have no friends… Make movies, be in commercials, jump on fishing boats in the arctic circle. Move to New York. Move to Australia. Move to Sweden. I can’t even have a dog. I can’t even have a puppy. I’m NINE timezones ahead of my friends and family and in a country they couldn’t locate on a blank map, a country I couldn’t either lol.
Just know that things are a lot deeper than they seem. There’s a tear behind every smile. Because I’ve experienced a lot more highs in life than the average person, I’ve experienced more lows too. You really want my life? You may want it at this moment but you for sure don’t want all the things that I had to go through to get here. I didn’t even want those things. I’m just a guy who’s made a lot of mistakes trying his best to make a way, a life, for himself in this crazy world. I have faith it will work out but I don’t know where I’m going...
Even now that’s still both exciting AND scary.
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